I dont know how i can react to this, so this is all i could say

Just last night, you were crying because of us. Then this morning, you got another bad news about your grandpa.

You love your family. So much. The best part about that is you love them all equally deep. And now you lost one of them. The one you admire so much. Coolest guy, you call him. The one that shares to you about world, that shares his interest to round the globe. He gave you things you want, took you wherever you want, and heard whatever you say. I envy you for having grandpa like him. Well, i mean my grandpa is still my best, but you also must be very lucky to have yours.

It's okay to cry love. You just lost one of your dearest. But, please, don't say you haven't given anything back for him. I'm sure you've given him happiness even from the moment you're born. Yeah. Your grandpa and grandma must ve been smiling to you. Their bundle of joy, you are.

And you've colorized their life, i believe. You were having sooo much time with him, weren't you? Well, i know that won't be enough. But still, you've always been trying to be with him, trying to impress him, trying to share your stories with him.

Aah.. you must be feeling so sad right now. But it's okay love. I'm sure that he must be so glad for having you. He is just having a good rest in a good place right now. And I'm sure he won't be happy to see you being sad. So be strong, love. Be strong for him, too. That way he can rest in peace.

Thought I'm Strong

It' May 13th now. I'm in a sad mode..
I dont know. Maybe cuz its so cold in this bedroom.. or maybe just cuz some truth that i found..? Neither matters..
The important thing right now is so i can hold this shiver and not making too much sound. My chest hurts somehow and never expect this face to be soggy.
I had expect something like this anyway.. why still i cant react better..

Aku Percaya, kok

Aku lagi main game waktu itu. Kamu bilang kamu mau dibangunin jam 12 apa 1 gitu. Yaudah kubangunin berkali-kali. Kamu bilang mau tidur lagi. Setiap kamu minta 15 menit lagi, aku kasih 30 menit lagi.
..was that right to do? Sorry..
Tapi kamu tetep gak bangun!!!!

Hingga suatu saat, aku berusaha bangunin kamu lagi. Kamu ngoceh-ngoceh entah apa aku gak tau..
Terus kupanggil lagi. Terus kamu jawab, "Iya. Iya, sayang. Ini aku lagi belajar."
........

Maaf, lou. Aku gak bisa nahan ketawaku.

Another Stars

Aku lagi MK sekarang. Momen kekerabatan Fasilkom. Ini lagi jam 22.42

Tadi malem waktu aku lagi makan, kamu lagi sama papa mama dan lain2 di apartemen. Terus aku tanya deh. 'Jadi udh bisa???" (you know, about the apartment). Dan secara spontan kamu bilang kalo kamu gamau bicarain itu. Takut jadi berharap kita bisa. I know love, and i can understand when you said you re afraid that you'd be tired to think about a way for us to make it true. I love you, and im really sorry for that. All of these sayings i wrote are never in a bad way. Aku bener2 kasian sama kamu pas kamu bilang gitu. Dan aku pengen meluk kamu, as anytime i want you to be calm. Love you, love.

Terus, malem ini setelah aku makan tadi, kami semua dikumpulin di lapangan gede. Terus yaa kayak biasa, tampilan angkatan di depan angkatan-angkatan fasilkom. The thing i want to say is, about the sky....

Bintangnya terang. Rasinya jelaaas banget. Biru langitnya, awan-awan kecilnya, haaah terlalu nenangin.

Dan, hal yang langsung aku pikirin setelah liat itu adalah, malem kita waktu jalan kelas sebelas di Halim. Dan waktu itu juga sempet gabut, aku tiduran di aspal sambil bener-bener cuma ngeliatin langit. Kadang nengok kamu merhatiin kamu. I like it, the calmness that i got.

And yea, after thinking all of those, the last thing i imagined was, being with you.

Laying somewhere, sharing things, pointing the sky. Is there anything sweeter than that? Like, its my mostestest desired dream of all other dreams.

Than i realized, it's not about how great the sky is or how interesting our stories are. It's you that is actually get the spotlight. It's the 'being with you' that has the whole point of the line.

Aku pengen bilang 'just if you were with me right now' di wa. Tapi aku keingetan, aku takut kamu jadi stres karna kita bakal susah ketemu, ato mungkin bahkan gabakal bisa ketemu lagi. Takut kamu juga gamau bicara kayak gitu, karena kamu masih takut berharap kita bisa lakuin ini beneran.

I really love you.

Savage

Lou. Tau gak aku belajar kata savage dari mana?? Dari kamu..
Jadi waktu itu aku lagi pulang kampung. Kamu bilang kamu lagi sedih, jadi pas ada sinyal aku langsung nyoba chat kamu lagi. Tapi kayaknya kamu udah enakan.
On the other side, waktu kamu bilang udah enakan, grup paskib lagi rame. Vieri juga rame di situ, like always. Aku kamu gaada, like always.
Terus vieri kirim screenshot apa gitu. Tapi tiba-tiba ada notif line gitu di atas ss-an dia. "SAVAGE" it said. And well, it was from you.
Yea, like always, kamu sangat semangat kayaknya kalo chat sama dia. Terus aku mikir 'Pantes udah enakan'.
Terus aku penasaran, kutranslate deh. Setelah liat translatenya, 'Woa, segaul inikah keshya kalo sama yang lain.'
And soo, thats the story. I guess thats also what they mean by no pain no gain. I learn things from pain.
....right? Aku salah ngartiin peribahasa mereka lagi kah...?
Thats just the past, love. I love you. So much. All i want is you to be yourself. Dont change on me ^_^

A Broken Dam

Aku.... Mmmm...
...mau ngaku(?)
...eeerrr
....besok uas matdis
...dan sekarang aku lagi....
....mmmmmm buka internet?
....of course its about matdis!!!!!
.......maybe not all..?
....okay mmmm aku buka youtube juga
..tentang itung-itungan kok!!!!
...yea, game itu ngitung-ngitung juga kan?

Okay okayyy!!!! Aku nonton gaming sedikit.. sama buka lagu juga.
Tadinya aku mau nonton satu game doang. Tapi! terus outro videonya bagus!! Musik beat gitu. Yaudah kucari deh di Youtube. Terus aku keingetan ada lagu-lagu yang mau kucari dan kudownload. Yaudah.. jadinya banyak deh yang kubuka.

But what i want to say right now is not about thiiis. Aku keingetan aku mau download lagu dari Coco juga. You know... abis kita nonton lagunya bagus, dan kamu bilang gitarnya keren.. Jadi yaa, aku mau nyoba.. (walaupun belom ada gitar, seenggaknya kan punya lagunya dulu)

Terus tau gak? Aku kan paling suka lagu yang lullaby nya kan. Waktu papamya Coco nyanyi Remember Me buat Coco. And.. mmm... Aku play sekali kan. Dalem hati,"Aahh, my heart has been warmed". Waktu aku play kedua kalinya, aku cuma dengerin sambil liat soal matdis sebentar kan. Pas aku replay ketiga kali, aku pengen dengerin semua liriknya aja(soalnya aku langsung suram setelah liat soalnya dan gangerti jawabannya).

Terus yaaa,, aku gak sengaja dalemin. And somehow, suddenly in the middle of the music playing, I eee... mmm.. eerr it's hard to admit it..

Hft, okay. I cried.

It's not like the tears came out slowly, like a tear by tear, while i stared blankly to somewhere being mellow. It was not like that at all..

Instead, I was crying out loud.

You know, when a dam break and explode, letting all the water streams so hard, making a waterfall?

That's the feels.. I suddenly screamed, "F*ck" while tossing my fist to the bed. And then trying to hide my face by the pillow. Screamed as hard as i can, and starting to cry.

Damn, I was so weak. This was literally the same to how it feels when I was a boy crying. Not the angryboy cry. But the hopeless, powerless, can't-do-anything type of cry.. The mourn i made was so fragile that i even can't believe that I am 18.

All i thought about was, what if these words come from me, addressed by the softest way, as soft as the song was sang, to you.

I'm afraid of losing you. I really am.