A Broken Dam

Aku.... Mmmm...
...mau ngaku(?)
...eeerrr
....besok uas matdis
...dan sekarang aku lagi....
....mmmmmm buka internet?
....of course its about matdis!!!!!
.......maybe not all..?
....okay mmmm aku buka youtube juga
..tentang itung-itungan kok!!!!
...yea, game itu ngitung-ngitung juga kan?

Okay okayyy!!!! Aku nonton gaming sedikit.. sama buka lagu juga.
Tadinya aku mau nonton satu game doang. Tapi! terus outro videonya bagus!! Musik beat gitu. Yaudah kucari deh di Youtube. Terus aku keingetan ada lagu-lagu yang mau kucari dan kudownload. Yaudah.. jadinya banyak deh yang kubuka.

But what i want to say right now is not about thiiis. Aku keingetan aku mau download lagu dari Coco juga. You know... abis kita nonton lagunya bagus, dan kamu bilang gitarnya keren.. Jadi yaa, aku mau nyoba.. (walaupun belom ada gitar, seenggaknya kan punya lagunya dulu)

Terus tau gak? Aku kan paling suka lagu yang lullaby nya kan. Waktu papamya Coco nyanyi Remember Me buat Coco. And.. mmm... Aku play sekali kan. Dalem hati,"Aahh, my heart has been warmed". Waktu aku play kedua kalinya, aku cuma dengerin sambil liat soal matdis sebentar kan. Pas aku replay ketiga kali, aku pengen dengerin semua liriknya aja(soalnya aku langsung suram setelah liat soalnya dan gangerti jawabannya).

Terus yaaa,, aku gak sengaja dalemin. And somehow, suddenly in the middle of the music playing, I eee... mmm.. eerr it's hard to admit it..

Hft, okay. I cried.

It's not like the tears came out slowly, like a tear by tear, while i stared blankly to somewhere being mellow. It was not like that at all..

Instead, I was crying out loud.

You know, when a dam break and explode, letting all the water streams so hard, making a waterfall?

That's the feels.. I suddenly screamed, "F*ck" while tossing my fist to the bed. And then trying to hide my face by the pillow. Screamed as hard as i can, and starting to cry.

Damn, I was so weak. This was literally the same to how it feels when I was a boy crying. Not the angryboy cry. But the hopeless, powerless, can't-do-anything type of cry.. The mourn i made was so fragile that i even can't believe that I am 18.

All i thought about was, what if these words come from me, addressed by the softest way, as soft as the song was sang, to you.

I'm afraid of losing you. I really am.